| It was bad enough, I thought, that my dentist referred me to a
periodontist. So did the periodontist’s patient questionnaire really
need to start off the relationship with the question: “Have you ever had
trench mouth?” |
| Trench mouth? |
| My periodontist, Dr. Reed, turned out to be a really nice, skilled
gums, bones, and teeth guy. I really liked him. And it had
nothing to do with the fact that he reads my column. |
| But first things first. The patient questionnaire and the pressing
question about trench mouth. |
| “You mean, has my mouth ever been used by soldiers for cover or concealment?”
I said, sitting in the waiting area, to no one in particular. I was
certain it had not. I checked off “no.” |
| There were many other annoying, personal-type questions such as: |
| 1. |
Name |
| 2. |
Address |
| 3. |
Occupation |
| 4. |
Favorite cuss word |
| 5. |
Most embarrassing moment during puberty |
“Excuse me, do I have to fill this whole thing out?” I asked the very
pleasant woman at the receptionist’s station.
She nodded. |
| 6. |
Do you consider yourself to be in good health? |
| 7. |
Have you ever had any of the following conditions: a) heart disease;
b) heart murmur; c) a change of heart; d) heartache; e) heartworm?
Do you sometimes wear your heart on your sleeve? |
| 8. |
Have you ever said the wrong thing at the wrong time? In public?
To the traffic cop who just pulled you over? In the dental office
because you’re a nervous and incoherent wreck? |
| 9. |
Have you ever had hepatitis? Liver disease? Skin disease?
Has anyone ever told you that you were an “idiot?” Or “really, really
stupid?” Or “a few cards short of a deck?” Have you ever had
such a bad acne breakout on your face that folks mistake you for: a) a
leopard; b) a giraffe; c) a leper? |
| 10. |
Have you ever had diabetes or arthritis? Have you ever
had them simultaneously? Were you difficult to live with at the time?
Do you tend to slam doors when you’re irritable, sulk, or grind your teeth? |
| 11. |
Have you ever had a sinus problem? Do you ever stick one
or more fingers in your nose while you’re driving, mistakenly assuming that
others can’t see you when, in fact, they’re watching from the next car
over and getting violently grossed out? Do you then try to act all
nonchalant, like you were, you know, just scratching your nose? |
| 12. |
Have you ever had emotional problems? Have you ever
shoplifted?
Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? Have you ever set fire
to a building as a personal cry for help? Have you ever stolen state
secrets and received money for them abroad? |
| 13. |
Have you ever had an allergy or adverse reaction to: a) local
anesthetics; b) penicillin; c) demerol; d) demerol combined with alcohol
and illegal drugs; e) bad foreign films; f) people in front of you at Starbucks
whose drink orders include 47 words; g) Christine Aguilera and/or Britney
Spears? |
| 14. |
Have you ever had cold sores, or bad breath? Did people laugh
and point at you? Did they ask you what that “big red thing” on you
lip was? |
| 15. |
How often do you brush and floss: a) consistently twice a day;
b) once a week; c) once in a blue moon; d) immediately and feverishly prior
to dental/periodontal appointments… |
