I’m thinking about divorce. About getting a divorce.

A loud, ugly, public, no-holds-barred divorce.  Yes, I want to compete with my spouse, in the nastiest way possible, for ownership of our assets.

Also, I could win $100,000.

Because coming soon to a Fox network near you, the new “reality-based” t.v. game show, “I Want A Divorce.”

I kid you not.

Imagine the fun of tuning into such inspired dialogue as, “You always do this!” and “You never do that!”  Withering looks, derisive snorts, and slamming doors will be featured.

But the fun doesn’t end there!

Another new show great for family entertainment, is “Bootcamp.” Gather the kids, enjoy some cocoa, and bond while watching contestants undergo the grueling experience of Army training. Pain and suffering! Blood! Sweat! Maybe even oozing infections! The show will star ex-drill instructors who, entertainingly, try to destroy the contestants until just one person is left standing.

“Television has gotten so bad,” a friend of mine said.

“You’re forgetting about ‘Alf,’ ‘Fantasy Island,’ ‘Joanie Loves Chachi,’ and ‘Driveways of the Rich and Famous,’” I pointed out.

But at least there were a few good shows.  Programs like “Wild, Wild West” and “Get Smart” and “Flipper.”

Now we’ve got “Jailbreak.”   “Jailbreak,” another “reality” show, will lock up ten “inmates” under “real” prison “conditions.”  They will have to survive without Starbucks!  Or hair gel!  Their goal, much like mine when I’m at the office, is to be the first one to escape.  Then, the rest are brutally murdered.

Just kidding.  No murders this season.  That would be in poor taste!  Besides, networks are saving that plot twist for NEXT season.

MTV is upset by all this competition.  Concerned that it might lose it’s edge in the Cultural Sludge Department, the network has rallied with a delightful slice-of-life drama called “Jackass.”  According to the show’s promoters, the stars of “Jackass” do a lot of things I can’t write about here.

Finally, not to be outdone, another network is developing a series about “dental pain.”  First, contestants sit for a REALLY LONG TIME in the waiting room with nothing to look at beside really old magazines!  Then, once in the chair, they must answer the question, “Have you been flossing regularly?”  When they lie, and say, “yes,” their teeth will be drilled into powder.

I made that one up.  But you get the point.

Namely, we live on Planet Idiot.

Personally, I’m proud to say that I NEVER once saw a “Survivor I” episode.  Not even one.  Pop-culturally speaking, I was completely out of the loop.  I never watched “Survivor” because I’m smart, I’m educated, I’m intellectual.  Also, we were always watching “Rugrats.”

But the show was so successful, that we’re being bombarded by all manner of cheap knock-offs.

“Temptation Island,” for instance, is ridiculous.  It’s based on the faulty notion that one needs an ENTIRE ISLAND to face temptation.  Yeah, right.  On top of that, these young, “committed” couples try to AVOID temptation!

WHAT FUN IS THAT?!  They should put couples on that show who’ve been married for ten years, or longer.  Talk about ACTION-PACKED television!

Or, producers could put them all on a cruise ship.  Do a remake of “Love Boat” where we laugh ourselves silly at the madcap adventures of Gavin MacLeod, the “Skipper,” “Julie,” “Doc,” and “Gopher.”

Uh…actually, they are.  Yes, coming soon to the privacy of your own home, is “Love Cruise.”  The show will feature sixteen singles who cruise the high seas looking for romance, relationships, and Kathie Lee.  Breast enhancements, partial nudity, and gratuitous sex are the stars…